A Testing

 November is a time to give thanks and this year I am grateful for a whole host of new things. A proper diagnoses and the wonderful care provided at Virginia Mason. New friends I had no idea I had. Family who have come to mean so much to me. And so much more. I am in a quandary though, and as is my way, that means I must write it out. While this year brought many changes, friends, mindset and of course a last name. I am pulled between who I once was and who I wish to become. So, this must be a time of testing. I have always loved tests. The kind that get scored with numbers or letters are my favorite. This is no such exam. No, this is far harder and more important. Who do I choose to be? How do I choose to deal with transgressions? As anyone who has ever been through it or seen it knows, divorce is hard. It is painful and sad. A mournful birth that leaves you with a hateful stone...if you allow it. It is not the usual things I am struggling with of late. The dividing of friends, my husband had a head start on me there and I am no less for the loss. I am not troubled with missing the man. I am at peace. He watched his mother, his sister and last year his father fade away. I understand he had no desire to deal with my being sick. The fact that I am a solitary individual to start with helps me greatly.  
It is none of these things that cause me consternation. It is my wasband's stead fast refusal to follow court orders that frustrate me so. It is the $2.24 in my bank account for four weeks running while he continues to collect a healthy paycheck. It is the past due notice from my doctor, who works so hard and is so kind, that trouble me. I have the papers that say he is to pay up. He simply refuses. My lawyer speaks of contempt charges...which of course will be weeks away from a hearing. I have been accused by this man of being a thief, a liar and crazy. He tried to take my dog, our home, even my car from me. All things which hurt me deeply. I did go through that phase where I tried to prove his every misstatement and found my energy and will flagging. The person I once was, well she would sell off his things. She would also inflict as much harm as she could back onto him. Not because I enjoyed it, but so that he would leave me alone. So that he would go away and know not to cross me again. So that I would feel safe. After that, would come months of guilt and regret. I derive no joy from hurting others, it brings me low. I have borrowed where I could, taken loans and charity. This must change. This is not right. What to do? Do I load up these Fender amps and other assorted musical equipment he has been accusing me of selling off since this all started in July and settle his debts? Or do I stick to my true self, my own values that say it is wrong to meet a theft with a theft? Do I change who I am and hope to become in order to provide for Edgar and I? I hear echoed at least once a week stress it the worst thing for your Lupus. Yes, I know. I know. But, I am learning here, changing and growing. That comes at a cost. Thankfully not monetarily, as I am a bit short of funds at present. I know what I would advise anyone else, however that is not the same dictate I have for myself. Either way, in the next day or two changes are coming. Back to thankfulness, I am thankful for this outlet of my thoughts and feelings. I am thankful for the kindness of strangers and friends. I am thankful for the loyalty of those that matter. I may only have two dollars and change but I have people I can count on and lean in to. A son to be proud of and that is priceless. I hope that you too are thankful.