Lets have an honest talk. A conversation of the heart. Are you happy? Take your time. Really think about the question. Without placing blame on anyone else, express what if anything in your life is causing your malaise. Again, no laying of responsibility on anyone but you. What have you done and not done? When you were a child planning out your life, before you knew the words can't and impossible, what did your future look like? How far off course have you strayed? No some childish dreams must stay as those. I wanted to play for the Dallas Cowboys. I wanted to take that pigskin down the field. Dodging tackles and making touchdowns. Now, this never happened outside of my daydreams. And that is fine. I am first off female and second 5'1" so my natural limitations precluded me from that dream. There were others, they came and went. Some stayed true. I wanted to be a mother, hopefully a good one. I wanted a family to love and to love me. No small surprise that one. But after these dreams that were really yearnings of my soul, was another. The deep desire to write. To tell stories and to be good at it. I have always been an avid ready. It was an escape as a child. The realities of my early life made me delve into any book I could find. A way to remove myself from a world in which I was not safe and had no control.
And so, because I can find no great obstacle to this plan and I have just as deep a a desire at 47 than I did at 7, I will write. I do not know if my endeavors are good or bad. I am no judge of such things. I write to relief the words that swim in my head. To have the peace that comes from laying it all down. I am holding myself responsible for my life. It is I who decide what my life looks like. Oh, there are things I cannot control. My health, some of my relationships and if anyone chooses to read my scribblings and so I will not bother with them now. They are not in my control and if I meander there, wringing my hands while mourning woes is me, I will get exactly what I deserve. Nothing. There is no progress to be made by counting the faults in life. Nothing to be gained by cataloging each disappointment. So I turn away from them in this new beginning and recalibrate my mind. Set my goals high and dream on. I know what I want and I have some idea how to achieve it.
It would be an easy thing to complain. To cast harsh words at those who have let me down. But, the reality is, it is I whom have let myself down the most. My choices, my actions, my thought process that is to blame and until I embrace that truth, i will stay stagnant. One more year past and no closer to my goals. There I will remain, until I, ME take the helm and steer into my future. One that contains love and hope, desires and goals. No one can do this for me and no one should. Who could I trust to get it right? Only me. It is my plan and I must see it through. Oh, there will be bumps and schedules set askew. That is to be expected. Factor it in. There is no surprise in the idea that life will fight back. And that is how it should be. I do not want anything handed to me on a silver platter. What accomplishment is that? No, the great adventure is in the journey. I am proclaiming my destination, having no idea what so ever on how I will get there. I will consult charts and maps. Set down by others who came before me. I will practice and submit and resubmit. That is on me. No one owes me a thing. And it is no different for you, my dear reader. We are not labeled victims. That would be so easy to hang our disappointments on.
We are no longer children, beholden to others to see us safely through. Our dreams are our own. So look about you in this time of new beginnings. Set your sights on something. Something that your heart desires and your soul cries out for. A passion. Nothing attached to anyone else's boat. No, just you standing in front of that child dreamer you once were and stand firm. Be realistic. Just as I had to be content to watch by team play football without me, you may have to let some of the dreams of mist go. Be honest with yourself. You owe yourself that. And when you have fixed on what you want to achieve in your life, proclaim it. Others may aid you but they cannot do it for you. Have a frank talk with the adult you often. Hold yourself accountable. Do not give up. Giving up is failure. How can anyone believe in you, if you do not? This is my pep talk. I sorely needed it today. I hope that it will set you on the right path as well. I wish you a successful journey. Safe passage through the storms yet to come. Plan for them. Set aside provisions of hope and love. Invest in your voyage and sail true. Life is happening all around us and this new year will be old far too soon. No more wishing time away, there is not enough left. Look to the horizon and sail on. Always dear friend sail on.