Fears and Freedom

My continuing journey to rebuild my life as my marriage unravels

  I have learned many painful lessons throughout the last two months...like some people are your friends as long as you tell them what they want to hear and some will stand on the word of God, as long as it does not interfere with their friendships. When called on to do the right thing, the honest thing, some step up and others step aside. I have learned that money is more important than family, to some. Sad things all, these lessons but they are truths that I must face. Part of my childhood I know, is an over developed sense of justice, of right and wrong. This I have discovered from years of counseling and I still get tripped up. I forget that everyone does not feel that same desire to have wrongs righted and truths be told.

  After living a lie for all of my childhood, it is so important for me now to speak the truth, and when I am rebuffed, because honesty is rarely as beautiful as a well crafted lie, I am almost always shocked. The last few days have seen a ratcheting up of the stakes and it saddens me. I felt compelled yesterday to speak with someone who had a small part in all of this drama. I wished to reach out, as they were someone who's company I had always enjoyed and who I had looked up to. I wished to say that I was sorry that they had been drawn into such a mess and how sad it all was. We spoke for a bit and one question kept coming back up, one that I could not answer to her satisfaction. She simply would not accept my answer. I will address it here now, again.

 It is a very simple question; "If I am so afraid of my husband, why do I not leave? Why do I stay?" My response is just as simple." I will not run. I will not hide, I will not crawl. I will not." You would have had to have come from a past such as mine to understand this and if you cannot, I am glad for you. However, it is not for me to make you understand it. I do not owe you that. This person actually brought up Susan Powell and said "if she had just taken those boys and left". I had no more words for her. I cannot deal with victim blamers. Susan Powell's only fault was believing in the man that hid the monster. She paid more than her due.

 I have spent most of my life in fear. It became a constant companion, much like a child hood pet, forever at my heels. After more than 40 years of feeling it's breath on my skin, finally I had found a reprieve. I will not willing let it back into my life. I will stand here and face it head on. I will not run, because running does no good. It does not cure the fear.It can not be out distanced. Every unfamiliar car, unknown number that calls, every noise in the night brings with it that shaggy, sweaty beast, come to lay on my chest and keep me from taking a fully measured breath. No, I will not live that way, no more. I am not a child, I am not helpless. I have just as much right to the place I have made in this world as anyone else and I will not flinch.

 There have been wounds for this stance, some of them very deep. I acknowledge them and I move on. I am not responsible for other's actions. I am defined by what I do, not by what is done to me or said about me, that speaks to the perpetrator of those actions. I am learning how strong I am and how valuable honesty is, how easily some mislead and how much I myself have judged. The reality is we all react differently to the things that happen to us in life based on what we have experienced, and as basic as that sounds, it is easily forgotten.

 I have life changes to make. I must rescue myself and redefine who and what is important in my life. All that has happened, as painful as it has been, comes with it's own blessings. I have drawn closer to those that are most important to me. Others have edited themselves out of my life. I am free to have my own friends and my own hours and the luxury of books galore. Something that was frowned by my wasband. It is wonderful to have no one to answer to. My life is my own and I will fill it as I choose. I hope that you too know the freedom of choice and that if you too know that mangy mutt named fear, you find a way to put that beast down, as one day I hope to do as well.

   And as for those that have done me harm, well life has a way of bringing your actions back around to you. We are all here to learn. I am learning compassion and understanding. What are you learning?