I am Lost

  It has been some time since I have written here. I have been...overwhelmed, puzzled. Things are happening that I do not understand, that I cannot logically explain and it leaves me once again feeling haunted, hunted, unsafe. I do not want to leave my home and yet when I do, I find myself delaying going back or panicked in my desire to be back within its comfort. This is unlike me. 
Yes, I have PTSD, I know this...but it has been years, more than a decade since I have struggled this much with it. When I am frightened, I find myself pushing back...just like a child. I wish to prove no matter how scared I really am, that I will not blink. I will not show fear. I won't. It causes me to strike back, not out of anger, but out of a desire to be left alone. 

 It is inconceivable to me that a relatively short marriage (5 years) and a personal blog which was meant to stay annonomous, would bring me here. I am lost. In need of good counsel, I do not know how to find. I reached out to Pierce County Sheriff's Office and also to the Prosecutor at the Crystal Judson Center. At first the Deputies I dealt with showed complete indifference. One actually told me that my wasband was in love and happy and I needed to accept that ( this is when I first learned, that my wasband was communicating with PCSD). I had called to report his breaking a court ordered restraining order and this was the sage advice I received. 
 
  I have been cyberstalker/bullied by someone using a fake profile on my only outside support system, while the post was removed and the group it was posted in could not have been more loving or supportive, when I reported it, again ...nothing, even as the host site offers to provide the ip address to LE.
  I was aware that my computer had been accessed remotely. I documented this and took it to the Prosecutor at the CJC, she was professional and let me know that someone would contact me. She advised me to not be emotional. The hardest thing to do when you see your life falling apart, when you are bullied and stalked is to not show emotion. I tried to show her the proof of the stalking and she was very clear, she did not want to see it. 

  This struck me as...odd, very odd. I had spoken on the phone to one of her Assistant Prosecutors a few months before hand, again seeking help, in that conversation she wished to discuss some other person, a woman I do not know...oddly the Deputy who told me of my wasband's new love brought up the same person. Someone I have never heard of and do not know. At the time I did not think much of it, because it has nothing to do with me. However, it did register somewhere in the back of my brain that my wasband had already spoken to the Prosecutor. Why?  I want nothing but to be as far from this man as possible. I do not care who he is with, or what he does as long as it does not damage my family or me. 

  Through software I was able to show that my brand new Apple laptop was remotely accessed. I tried to engage Apple in this matter and while they promised to help the PCSD if they called, when I actually was put in touch with a Deputy who was willing to call, actually I made the call in his presence. No one at Apple seemed to know who he should speak to about getting the records for my account. My e-mail accounts are hacked regularly, I know this because I leave them open and I get bounced out with a message telling me someone else has logged into my account from another browser. I have ip addresses showing my accounts being accessed from a Mac table top computer, from a PC, from browser that are not even installed on my laptop and from other states that my wasband travels to for his job. Nothing. 

 I am exhausted. No one will help me. I do not know anymore what to do. I feel as if I am being treated like the abuser/harasser, even as I have the evidence to prove I am being stalked. It seems that my abuser has found a way to use the very resources that are there to protect, as a tool to further his abuse. It is exquisitely cruel. When the Detective at CJC met with me, he listened, he said to get the documentation together and he gave me the case number, I did not look at the paper until I was preparing an e-mail to Apple, but to my surprise there were not one case number, but two. 

 Finally, it makes a bit of sense, why the Assistant Prosecutor and the Deputy tried to engage me about another person in my wasband's life. The Prosecutor making the statement to me that she did not wish to see any of the evidence I had "to keep the investigation intact" (not her exact wording). What do you do when the very place that is set out to help you is used to further your abuser's torment? I do not know. I will post all of the proof of what I say on a blog spot account. I will set one up just for this. Apple's response in writing to my request for someone to reach out to the Detective to tell me that the matter was best handled on the phone and for me to call them. 

 The best response would be to contact Deputy Stepp and stop delaying something I have been asking for since August of last year. I am sorry to vent here. I simply have no idea what to do. My wasband told me it would be better if I just killed myself, he said when he was done there would be nothing left of me and so far, he is doing a great job of leaving me no where to turn. 

I will post the blog spot address here. in the mean time I will just leave one small piece. My laptop has no guest set up. It is to have no remote access. It is very important that it is kept private. due to the groups I admin in which deal with ironically, abuse. So to find this on my computer...was jarring.