Irony, Your Name Is OnStar

Day Three


OnStar, Your Name is Irony

So, OnStar is following me...I mean literally, on Twitter. At first I was going to block them, and then I thought about it and realized that this is an open mic. What would you say to OnStar about developing a program for dealing with situations such as this? Why do so many of America's companies that keep so much of our information not have a plan to keep us safe? I think I am going to try and help change that. There are so many things in this that are out of my hands, but this I can do. I did not start this to grind any axe or to drag out any dirty laundry. I did it to stay safe and sane, as sane as I can be anyway. Any divorce is stressful, when there is violence and threats involved it is oh so much more so.

 Yesterday was my first day out and about and it was difficult. Very stressful. Everywhere I went I saw my spouse's vehicle. I just wanted to go back home. I had to explain to every contact point I have that my emergency contact person had changed, it was exhausting. I cried here and there, mostly my voice just broke and my hands started to shake. I have no idea why that happens. My list of things to do keeps getting longer. Everything that has been built over the last 7 years must now be carefully taken down.

  A gentlemen comment on my post yesterday and shared that he had helped another woman through such a situation and how she had eventually gone back to the man who had abused her, he did not understand. I did not either. Even as I had done the same thing I did not have the answer for it. I tried to put my mind to it, this is as close as I have been able to come; My husband at some point made me feel something I had made me feel something I had not felt before. He had made me feel loved enough, good enough, wanted enough and that is about me. It is about how I view myself, not him. That is me being my own victim.

 We are hard on victims though aren't we? We expect them to rescue themselves. We decide what a victim is and what abuse looks like. Why is that? What would make a woman, a friend, a family member sit and listen to another woman cry out her pain and fear, offer false comfort and turn right around and place that victim's safety in the abuser's hands? That is something I cannot understand. It is a line I could not cross. If a neighbor came to me and said "my spouse threatened my life" I would do what I could and even if I did not believe them, even if I was SURE they were lying I would stay out of it. I would never take the chance with another's life. What if I were wrong? I would never presume to know someone else's marriage. Can you honestly say that anyone else knows yours? First thing about abusers, they divide the victim from the herd. Separation is the goal. I did not know that until I read it yesterday. I surely have been isolated.

  I gave up my friends I had before my marriage. Either my husband did not like them or they did not like him, it was just easier. When new couples crossed our paths he would inevitably say the wife wanted him. It had started as a joke. "So and so touched my hand, did you see so and so get me more water? She wants me" I would laugh and roll my eyes. Later it was "if you do not to this, so and so will" It became not so funny anymore. It became painful. It bothered me, it all did, but nothing changed and I stayed feeling helpless and powerless and small. I accepted that that is what I was. I took that as my truth I am not those things and neither is any other person who has been where I am. I wish my husband well. I hope that he has a happy fulfilling life. I hold no ill will to those who believed him, I did once.

 I am not going anywhere. I am no shrinking violet and I will not be bullied or pushed around anymore.

 To my neighbors who had to endure the disruption in our community on the 12th, I am sorry. It must have been frightening to see. I am hopeful that things will calm down. There are security cameras up now and a new alarm system, but if you see something please, call 911 they know us there. Also, please keep an eye out on July 25 from about 11:00 to 2:00 I have a court date and a very helpful deputy said that I could get broken into around that time. So neighborhood watch, this means you. I hope your day is well. I hope that you are safe.