The Never Was Man

The Never Was Man

 Let me see now...someone asked me how I could stop loving so easily. How I could let go. Why was I not insane with jealousy. How am I still breathing? Why am I not broken? These are all ...impossible questions to me. They are based in a mindset I do not have. I am not jealous by nature, it is not my way. I have never desired anything that someone else can have. It was not special. It was simply ordinary. I will not mourn over the loss of the "Anyone Can Have Him Man". How could I let go? Easily. he was not real. He was smoke and mirrors. Pretty words and false deeds. What of love? It was adoration wasted. I missed "The Never Was Man", that is true. The one who liked all the things I did. Who was supportive and kind. Who agreed with my every thought and encouraged me to do whatever my heart desired. The one who shared all the inside jokes and special moments. Though, as time went on he became a phantom.  A memory. In the beginning, the early days of luring me into the snare, he was often present. Creating a perfect world to fit me into. Filled with whatever I might like. There were signs, I know that now, looking back. At the time they were as insubstantial to me as that ghost of a man is to me now. 

 The more I came to believe in him, the more he began to fade. What was black became white and vise versa. There was an anger descending as a fog, seeping into our lives. A silent stranger between us. A foul odor ever present with no decreeable source. I tried to coax him out of that black mood, but my best efforts had no lasting effects. There would be mad spending sprees of ridiculous sums. He would smile for a time, never long enough, though. Within a few days or a week he would be filled once again with a melancholia I could not cure. I was an easy target for his bitterness. I earnestly felt that there was something I could do. As if it somehow had anything to do with me. I know now how wrong I was.

  I tried every thing I could think of and finally accepted, it was not my mood to change. I committed to wait on him. I assured him that I would. He could storm and rail and I would hold fast. Waiting for the Never Was Man to return. Somedays he did, if I got too far from his grasp, if I seemed a bit too independent, he would come knocking. With fast words and slow kisses. I would once again be entranced. My love had returned to me. My heart would leap up to meet him and all was well, for a moment. As soon as I found my footing again, he would knock it out from under me.

  Telling me of the women who were endlessly fawning over him. It was a burden for him really. I would laugh at this. Which made him lay it on even thicker. Still I smiled. I felt secure in the love of the Never Was Man. Of course, I had yet to learn that was his name. We were never properly introduced. But it was him I fell in love with and it was in that realization I was able to let him go.

  What of the person who is left? Nothing. He is nothing to me. I do not know him, nor would I wish to. A stranger who I would never knowingly let into my life. His behaviors and lies proclaim him unworthy. I do not wish him harm, I simply wish him to go the way of that other one. The one I fell in love with The Never Was Man.  So dear Never Was Friend, I hope that this answered your questions. Oh, those last two... I am breathing because I live. I owe no man that. Why am I not crushed? Because a phantom has no weight, no substance and no ability to harm anyone but themselves. We are so different you and I. I love those around me and also myself, far too much to live in a world of Never Was.