I Am. A letter to Apple & others

In this day and age of fast paced internet and electronics that manage and rule our lives, it is very easy to fall into a blissful lull of tech tranquility. Everything is synced. My laptop talks to my tablet, which talks to my phone and my camera, which is on a first name basis with my TV. What could possibly go wrong? Everything. Everything can go wrong and when it does...be aware help is hard to find, no matter what promises are laid before you. It is all just digital dogma set out to make us feel comforted as we are tracked, logged through every device we own or even casually come in contact with. My car? It talks to my phone, which we already know cannot keep a secret. 

 I vaguely knew these things, in a detached "who cares about anything I do?" kind of way. Seriously, not that interesting over here and I like it that way. So, when all the NSA, Snowdon things came out, well you know...I felt I should care, but really...eh, I am an open book. I could not relate. So strung out on my supply of instant answers from my smart phone that answered my questions with a cheeky attitude, meant I am sure, to entertain me while she logged all my activities, my location and what not. Still, I am you know...whatevs about it because...dude again, boring. 

 And then one day it got real. Actually it was months. It has been many, many months and I can never go back to that half sleeping state of digital delirium again. 

 As my marriage came undone, so did my privacy. While investigating glitches and lag times on my MacBookPro, my computer wiz found a remote access. I take my laptop everywhere. There would never be a need for such a thing and in fact, due to the sensitive nature of the things I become the keeper of, other people's painful experiences, my laptop is always locked. The list of culprits were short and the wait for help...well it is still long, 7 months now and counting. 

 I hocked my baubles and bought a shiny new Apple, not willing to trust the treasonous tendencies of the old one, I spent extra on the best, I was assured, security software. I was fine. I changed all my passwords and cut the list of who was welcome in my home to a small handful. I set about on my way, thinking I was back to my supply of living a life spent interacting with the world through Apple. You see, I live most of my life right here, online. It was a safe bubble, or so I thought. It was my lifeline to the world. How I stay connected to those I loved and how expressed myself. 

  I had no idea how quickly that could be taken from me. The relationships I had established with different authors, writers in all forms, artists, healers and even the ways I practice my faith could be cut away from me, with a few mere key strokes. 

  It started with a continual keychain error. It was no big deal, something to do with the OS upgrade. I called Apple. 

It was fixed and then it wasn't. This same issue continued to come up. I was told to reformat my computer...if you know what that means, you know what that means... This was just the beginning. A remote access was again found and viewer logs on my new computer. I lost all administrative control of my laptop. Now, if you wish to upset any person who uses their laptop as an electronic version of themselves...take away their admin powers. Especially one they have invested $3,000 in. Seriously, it is an effective way to get in touch with a person’s inner anger. I went through any number of Apple employees. There was Korie, she was nice and assured me she could help. Apple felt, as I did that someone was continually hacking me, in fact a kind employee named Mark said he would make it his mission to get to the bottom of this. He was the first one to say he thought it must be connected to my ex, because it was such a continual, targeted attack. Then came Eric, he and I played digital chess for over three weeks. That is right, I had my own Apple employee who called ME...everyone said pretty much the same thing: 

  I needed to have Pierce County Sheriff's Office assign someone to the case and contact the legal department for Apple and then Apple would provide all the information regarding my account. It sounded so easy,  Except, it was not. It took months, months to get the attention of the Sheriff's Department. In fact, one officer spent the better part of 45 minutes counseling me to get over my wasband and move on. As if I, were the one harassing someone, when clearly I was the victim. This same font of wisdom stated, when I shared my clear fear of this person I felt was stalking me unchecked that "My ex is in love and has a new life and you need to move on." Seriously, this was a member of the Sheriff's Department. When I reminded him of the reasons for my great concerns he countered with "In my experience, your ex is just a big talker. You can take it for what it is worth, he isn't going to do anything." 

 Perfect. It took another month and a half or so of pleading and finally, I simply went to the Crystal Judson Center and would not leave until I spoke with someone. That got me a sit down with a prosecutor who refused to look at any evidence. Not the ip addresses and read outs of the different computers that had accessed my various e-mail, Facebook and other accounts. Nothing. I wrote an email to the online site of the Pierce County Sheriff's Department and that got me a call from Detective Stepp. We sat down I showed him proof of what I say, including vulgar attacks I have received online and the contact information for the sites where these things have occurred. Because, these sites, they actually want to help. So far, nothing. Detective Stepp stated he was unable to reach anyone at Apple. So, while we sat there I called them myself. Surprisingly, for the first time in 6 months the person on the other end had NO idea who could help us. Seriously Apple?

 I spoke with Detective Stepp on Monday and once again, he has not heard from Apple. I however did talk to Apple this weekend. In an odd set of events, I could not sign into my Apple id. I spoke with Chad Jones and we went back and forth until we got it handled and then, oddly he wished to know what "we" were looking for with a subpoena and his second question, one he repeated many times, “who did I think was doing it”. Why would anyone, least of all a customer service person care about such a things? It is Wednesday, it has been over two weeks since Apple was notified by a member of law enforcement that they needed the information to serve a subpoena. I am one small person. I have no secrets. I live a simple life. I have no secrets. I still somehow have grown to feel a fear, a sense of being hunted, haunted.

Of great foreboding. I cannot write. I do not sleep, I sit here and I wait, for what I do not know. I do not understand. This should be so easy. I collected all the proof of ip addresses and how my laptop was breached, with no help from anyone else. Just me and google. If I can show everything I say is true, if I have an active Restraining Order, why will no one help me? I will not stop, I will not give up. This is not okay. And I am sitting here shifting through feeling so helpless and hopeless, so overwhelmed and alone and an anger that has laid dormant since my childhood. The feeling that I am once again lost to other’s wishes and I do not matter. Oh, PTSD, you never leave me. This is not okay. It is not okay to do this to a person. This is cruel and wrong and I am not going to be silent. I am small. I am one, but I AM and that will be enough.