No Service

 Well, I am spending the day with out my constant companion, my security blanket, my cure for boredom and one of my lifelines to the world...out there>>> It seems silly really, but still I am anxious. Today I gave over my phone to people far smarter than I am to study it's ailments. It will be tested and probed, copied and studied. I am both relieved and scared. The relief is easy to explain, this has been going on for so long and it will be good to have answers and avenues to pursue, scared, is a harder one to pin down. There is that little panic that happens when ever I misplace my smartphone and then there is something more...as much as I want all of this to end and to have my life back, while I stay in this limbo I can pretend that all is well. That no one I love and trusted has betrayed me. Divorce is hard, the casualties of a war started in love and ended in ...what, what is this? Well, they stack up and I grieve. I may never understand and maybe I do not need to. We have moved to a new level, a serious and life altering place that I am profoundly sad to be dwelling in. 

 I had a wonderful man tell me recently that all of this craziness is normal. That this happens a lot and I cannot believe it. Why? Why can we not shake hands and part company in agreed peace? These things happen, mistakes are made and courses need to be righted. It is okay to fall out of love, we should not have to be here. No one should. 

  Whether it is a conscious uncoupling, or simply an agreement to part company, why can it not be done with dignity and respect? Sadly, this fight is far from over, I am well versed in being the warrior and so reluctantly I will take up the armor and do what must be done. 

  So today, I have no service...better to know the truth than be lulled to sleep by lies.