Reaching Out For Help

Reaching Out For HelpDay Four


 Today I am overwhelmed, with the duplicity of others, with the breathtaking ability that some people are gifted with to deceive. My heart aches with it. I suppose it is all hitting me. I have been living on adrenaline, fear and anger. Anger that people who would insert themselves into a domestic violence situation and interfere with a lawful serving of a TRO. Without so much as a thought, they placed my son, his girlfriend and myself in harms way, they aided a violent convicted abuser because the consequences are not on them, they have made a judgment call, with our lives. I am angry. It comes from a sense of both helplessness and also from feeling..somehow, re-victimized, if you can follow my meaning. I am going to be in touch with a resource I have looked up many times in the last 5 years. I will contact the Crystal Judson Family Justice Center.  This is a big step for me. I have lived in denial. I have thought that I could somehow control my husband's outbursts. If the house was clean enough, if I was thin enough, cute enough, pleased him enough, but it never lasted. When I got sick and everything just got so much worse.

  I thought if I wrote, it would help, maybe lift some burdens and pressures, but he did not like me to do that either. The more I blogged the madder he got. It was what I could do in my now sedentary life, to be productive, to find a way to matter. I volunteered with sexual abuse survivors and with Have A Gay Day, along with many others. He hated it, felt it took up too much of my time, so I cut back.

 I am not perfect, so far from it. I have so much counseling ahead of me, this I know. I have to retrace my steps and find how I chose this path, why I bargained my self worth away for so little.

  There is so much to do. I have records to collect and statements to make. There are court dates, piled on doctors appointments as they hone in on what exactly my body is trying to tell them. I am exhausted. Bent but not broken. I have hope, family and friends who have given me nothing but love and support. I am thankful for them. I am so surprised by those who have reached out and those who have not. I have been given great support and insight on a characteristic in human nature that I had no idea existed. I can see the manipulation now, it is glaringly obvious when pointed out. Again, the only way I can think of to describe it is that it leaves me breathless, like a large stone on my chest, keeping me from taking a full measure of air. Leaving me slightly lightheaded and nauseas.

 It is time to start processing all of this, putting things in their place and handling them one at a time. Time for lies to be addressed, time for people who conspired to both defraud and place my family in danger to be held accountable, because the continual acts that have put us in harms way, they will not be tolerated. Know it. I am afraid, that is true, but I will not let anyone break me, nor will I stand by while we are continually mischaracterized and our activities monitored which is a direct violation of a court order. I truly believe the only way to be safe is to not hide. Speak up! Let everyone know what is happening. I know it feels embarrassing and shameful, I know. It is better to feel those things and be safe, than to be quiet and live in fear.

If you are local and you or someone you know finds yourself in need of help, please take it from me, you can not keep anyone else from hurting you, it is not about you, it is about them. Abuse comes in many forms and many times abusers actually manipulate others to continue the abusive behaviors upon their behalf. 

 http://www.aplaceofhelp.com/

I will let you know how my experience with them goes. This is a big step for me. Stay safe, when given a choice be kind.